I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
