There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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