Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
