this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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