Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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