Dude my mom stole all your condoms
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
