If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
