High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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