so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
how drunk are you?
Several
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
