i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
