my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
