The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
