theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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