life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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