Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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