Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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