Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
