My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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