We got so high we made milksteak
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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