you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
