My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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