alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
