I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
