we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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