she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
