Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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