I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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