I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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