I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
