I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
