i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
