I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
