hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
