If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Randomize
