It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i wish my penis had a tongue
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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