I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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