I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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