today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
