Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
