The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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