I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
