I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I understand Curling. That high.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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