Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
