I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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