You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
