mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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