Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
