My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
