I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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