saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
