My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
